The tips below are activities, tools, and resources my husband used with our sons to further encourage the truths found in Conversation #1. Feel free to pass them along to your husband and in turn, if he has something valuable to add to the list, please comment and share the idea with the rest of our 5 Conversations blog community.

Dad:2:Dad tips (by Keith Courtney)

• I took each boy on a camp-out every year for his birthday starting when each was 4 years old. The primary purpose was to have fun with them and grow in my relationship with each boy, to try to avoid the truth that “rules minus relationship equals rebellion”. (Note: There were also appropriate rules and boundaries in our home, to avoid the corollary truth that “relationship minus rules equals rebellion”.)

• I took each boy on a weekend trip when each turned 13 years old → purposes were to listen to Preparing for Adolescence tapes, encourage them to make wise decisions regarding sexual purity and on other issues as they move into their teen years, and of course, have fun doing father/son activities.

• When my sons turned 16, I led them through a program called Journey to Manhood (see information at the end of this post for a description).

• Asked key men in each boy’s life (me, pastors, youth pastor, grandfathers, uncles, etc.) write my son a letter that provides encouraging words and encourages the boy to make wise, godly decisions as the grow into being a man.

• After age 16, we watched Men’s Fraternity DVDs (by Robert Lewis)

Journey to Manhood:

Journey to Manhood is a program I developed based on other programs I had participated in (including Men’s Fraternity by Robert Lewis and a father/son program that a large church in the Austin area, Hill Country Bible Church, developed) and books I had read (such as raising a Modern Day Knight by Robert Lewis).

Journey to Manhood involved 2 other fathers and their sons. Our sons were in early high school at the time.

Once a month, the three fathers and three sons would meet. Each meeting would involve the following: (i) doing some fun activity with the boys, (ii) teaching the boys a key character quality (see table at the bottom of this document), and (iii) teaching the boys a Christian discipline (see the outline below).

I. Introduction

A. Why do Journey to Manhood?
1. To give you a clear picture of your transition from being a boy to a godly man, and a plan for how to
get there.
2. To teach you the definition of a man (which we will discuss today), and challenge you to memorize
and follow it.
3. To help you connect more with your dad, with each other, and with the other dads in the group. (One
benefit is that each of you can hold each other accountable.)
4. To challenge and train you to become more capable and willing to be godly leaders in the youth group
and around your friends.

B. What will Journey to Manhood be like? For 9-10 months, we will get together monthly for teaching,
challenge, and fun.

C. What will the expectations be?
1. Be committed to the Journey to Manhood process.
2. Have an open mind and open heart, and pay attention during the teaching times.
3. Do some work between meetings, like memorize the manhood definition, and Bible verses we give you.
4. Support each other, and challenge each other, during our monthly get togethers, and during all times
between them.

[Read and sign J2M Challenge]

II. Definition of a man —– memorize the four parts of the definition of man

[This definition of a man came from the Men’s Fraternity study , which Robert Lewis developed.]

A. A real man is one who:
1. Rejects passivity
- tendency of men is to be passive (ex. of Adam sitting by while Satan tempted Eve) → Read Genesis 3:6
Are you ever passive, i.e., you do not do what you should do?

2. Accepts responsibility
In what ways?
- to grow as a Christian in knowledge and, most importantly, in obeying God – our obedience is what
God really wants
- when get married and have a family, to lead and help wife and kids grow as a Christian in knowledge
and most importantly, in obeying God
- take responsibility for own sins and ways you hurt God and others

What does that involve? (i) confess sins, (ii) having godly sorrow, rather than sorrow that you got
caught (see II Cor. 7:10) , (iii) repent – turn from sin and turn to God
- follow through on commitments
- obey parents
- school work
- chores
- financially (be good steward with God’s money)
- other ways?
In what ways do you accept responsibility better?
In what ways do you need to start accepting responsibility?

3. Lead courageously
- it takes effort and courage to lead the way God desires
- leading, especially leading a family, requires setting direction, providing protection (physical, spiritual,
etc.), and making provision (financially, etc.)
In what ways can you lead?
In what ways do you lead courageously?
In what ways do you need to start leading courageously?

4. Seek the greater reward, God’s reward
Meaning?
- Seek to please God and receive His rewards rather than to please self or others and receive the
“rewards” that results from doing so. (Read Matthew 6:33) — memorize Matthew 6:33
In what ways do you seek to please God and receive His rewards rather than to please self or others and
receive the “rewards” that results from doing so? In what ways do you seek to please self or others and
receive the “rewards” that results from doing so?
- Have an eternal perspective. To get one, think of your life as merely a dot on the timeline of eternity,
and choose to live for the line, rather than for the dot.

B. What can cause us to not follow this definition for a man?
- one major obstacle to leading courageously is our feelings – we often will not feel like following.
Solution? “Act your way into a feeling” —- memorize “Act your
way into a feeling.”
What does that mean?
In what areas do you generally act your way into a feeling?
In what areas do you need to act your way into a feeling?

III. Bible Study

A. Why should we do it?
- it is the “users manual” that God, our maker, has provided for us
- it tells us what God is like, what we are like, how to relate to God, how
to relate to others, etc.
- other reasons?
B. What are ways to do Bible Study?

C. When is the best time to do it?

D. Is it enough to study the Bible, and even memorize parts of it?
No, we need to obey what it says. Read James 1:22-25 —– Memorize 1:22
In what ways have you recently not obeyed something God calls you to do in the Bible?

IV. Home work

1. Memorize the verses and the saying above
2. Pray for yourself and each other – that God would be able to do in you and them what He desires to do
through this process.
3. Review this hand out, including the expectations.
4. Do the other things on the J2M Challenge sheet
5. Dads
a. Go though this again with son
b. Help son follow through on this.

V. Outline of the Journey to Manhood topics

August:

Character quality: Definition of manhood

Spiritual discipline: Bible study

September

Character quality: humility and accountability/committed Christian friends

Spiritual discipline: willingness to confess and forgive

October:

Character quality: love and others-focused/selfless service

November:

Character quality:

Spiritual discipline: responsibility/self-discipline and financial stewardship
courage/convictions

Dec. sexual purity and prayer
respect for girls (sexually
and otherwise)

Jan. leadership and honesty/integrity church/ABF/Christian group participation

Feb. Thankfulness and contentment filled with Holy Spirit

Mar. Faith and eternal perspective witnessing

Apr. seek excellence/do their best and personal worship
perseverance/determination

May Review during final ceremony review during final ceremony

The tips below are activities, tools, and resources my husband used with our sons to further encourage the truths found in Conversation #2. Feel free to pass them along to your husband and in turn, if he has something valuable to add to the list, please comment and share the idea with the rest of our 5 Conversations blog community.

Dad:2:Dad tips (by Keith Courtney)

Ways I emphasized principles of self-control:

• Taught them “Act your way into a feeling”, i.e., do not let your feelings dictate your actions, but do the right things regardless of whether you feel like doing so.
• Vicki and I were particular about our sons’ peer groups and employed the “weekday friends/weekend friend” principle Vicki discusses in her book.
• Vicki and I made it clear that phones, computers, and the like were bought and paid for by us and therefore, would be spot-checked or monitored until we felt they had earned the trust to use the devices responsibly.
• Our sons did not have access to the internet through their phones (a smart phone) until late into high school for our youngest and college for our oldest. In turn, they were required to pay for their data plans/unlimited text messaging.
• We did not allow our sons to have unlimited text messaging until the latter high school years. We took a “training wheels” approach to technology, making sure our sons had earned trust at each level before being given another privilege.

Resources I used to discuss the dangers of porn:

• Read Every Young Man’s Battle (for teens) and Preparing Your Son for Every Young Man’s Battle (for tweens), both by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker and emphasized the principle of “bouncing your eyes.”
• I went over Chapter 7 from 5 Conversations You Must Have With Your Son with my youngest son during his senior year of high school.
• Both Vicki and I asked our sons on a fairly consistent basis how they were doing regarding the temptation to view porn and reminded them of the long-term fallout. We also let them know that they could come to us should they find themselves caving into the temptation and that we would not react in shock or shame them.

As Vicki was researching for the book, she passed along articles and books that had been especially helpful in outlining her chapter on the temptations of porn (Chapter 7 of the book) and I went over them with our youngest son.

Here are some links to our favorite articles:

Hijacking the Brain — How Pornography Works by: Albert Mohler
This Is Your Brain on Porn: Virtual Sex and Brain Chemistry by: William M. Struthers
Unexpected Lessons from Porn Users by: Marnia Robinson (Note: While I do not endorse the author’s views on evolution, I felt there was great value in sharing some of her findings among porn users with my sons. Content may not be suitable for boys younger than high school.)

Here are links to a few of our favorite books:

Hooked: New Science on How Casual Sex is Affecting Our Children by: M.D. Joe S. McIlhaney Jr and M.D. Freda McKissic Bush
Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain by: William M. Struthers

The tips below are activities, tools, and resources my husband used with our sons to further encourage the truths found in Conversation #3. Feel free to pass them along to your husband and in turn, if he has something valuable to add to the list, please comment and share the idea with the rest of our 5 Conversations blog community. I addition, click here to check out valuable tips for having Conversation #3 across the age ranges on the “Moms of Daughters” portion of the blog.

Dad:2:Dad tips (by Keith Courtney)

Activities/resources I used to teach principles of sexual purity:

• Took each boy on a weekend trip when each turned 13 years old. The purpose was to listen to Preparing for Adolescence tapes, encourage them to make wise decisions regarding sexual purity as they move into their teen years, and have fun doing planned father/son activities.
• Regularly and consistently took advantage of teachable moments as they occurred when our sons were inadvertently exposed to messages about sex that run contrary to God’s standards.
• Took the initiative to talk to my sons about sex and clear up any misinformation they may had been exposed to through classmates and the media. I made sure they knew I was a safe place to come when they had questions and that no question was off limits.
• Each of our sons took part in a “Preparing for Adolescence” weekend retreat sponsored by our home church when they were in the 6th grade

 

I mentioned these books in the Dad:2:Dad tips for Conversation #2, but they also reinforce many of the truths discussed in Conversation 3.

Hooked: New Science on How Casual Sex is Affecting Our Children by: M.D. Joe S. McIlhaney Jr and M.D. Freda McKissic Bush
Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain by: William M. Struthers

The tips below are activities, tools, and resources my husband used with our sons to further encourage the truths found in Conversation #4. Feel free to pass them along to your husband and in turn, if he has something valuable to add to the list, please comment and share the idea with the rest of our 5 Conversations blog community.

Dad:2:Dad tips (by Keith Courtney)

Tools and principles I used to teach financial and personal responsibility:

• Gave allowance equal to 2 times the boys age; I taught them:

- all of the money was God’s and that they are stewards of that money;

- to tithe 10%, save 10%, and that it is good to avoid, or at least limit, debt

• When each was young, we gave them their allowance in cash, and when they were older, we used a check register to teach them how to do a checking account (write down 10% in a savings “account” in the check register, and write down the other 80% in a separate part of the check register). Click here for a link to a similar product to the one we used.

• When they got older, I helped them develop a budget regarding how to spend the money they had

• On trips, we would give the boys a set amount of money to use for souvenirs, extra food, etc., and tell them that once they spent it all, they would not be able to get anything else.

• Taught importance of taking care of their stuff, including how to do so. One example is that when they got a car, I told them that it was their responsibility to check the oil and fluid levels, tire pressure, etc. and to ensure that oil changes and other maintenance were done.

• Taught them how to do house chores and projects, including mowing yard, putting up ceiling fans, etc., and required them to do such house chores and projects.

• Required that each boy face the consequences of their actions or failure to act, such as failing to do chores on time or properly, getting a speeding ticket, etc.

• Had them get a job and pay for certain things, such as activities they wanted to do with their friends

In order to prepare each of my children for the real world and avoid a sense of entitlement over a college education being “owed to them,” I had each of my children sign a contract at the beginning of every year of college. Below is a copy of the actual contract we had our oldest son sign before he attended Auburn University:

College contract

1. Grades

a.  At the end of each semester, one of the following must be met, or you will have to pay us the amount indicated in 1.b.:

i. your GPA for the semester is at least 3.0, or

ii. your cumulative GPA at the end of the semester is at least 3.0.

b. The amount you will owe if you do not meet either 1.a.i. or 1.a.ii. is as follows: $500 for every tenth of a point that your semester GPA or cumulative GPA, whichever is highest, is below 3.0. For example, if your semester GPA is 2.7 and your cumulative GPA is 2.8, you will owe $1000. You cannot use money earned during the summer to pay this amount; you must get a job while going to school to pay it off.

c. For any class for which you receive a D or F, you will owe 100% of the cost of the class, as determined by the following formula. You cannot use money earned during the summer to pay for a D or F; you must get a job while going to school to pay it off.

[total cost of school for semester (including tuition, room, board)] X    [# of hours of class]    # of hours taken in semester

2. You can never be taking less than 15 hours, either at the beginning or end of any semester (because we will only pay 4 years of college).

3. Extracurricular activities

a. First and foremost, get involved (i) with a church and at least one Christian group on campus, and (ii) in a small group Bible study (such as Sunday School or a study in sorority or in one of the Christian groups.

b. Participate in intramurals

c. Appropriately limit electronic stuff (computer, games, text messaging, cell phone

4. You understand that: (i) we (your parents) are taking a huge financial load off of you, compared to most kids, by paying for your college education, (ii) it will cost us between $100,000 and $125,000 for 4 years of out-of-state college tuition and related expenses, and (iii) if we did not pay for your college, you would have to work during school, and take tens of 1000′s of student loans that would be very difficult to pay off.

Signed: ______________

Date:    ______________

The tips below are activities, tools, and resources my husband used with our sons to further encourage the truths found in Conversation #5. Feel free to pass them along to your husband and in turn, if he has something valuable to add to the list, please comment and share the idea with the rest of our 5 Conversations blog community.

Dad:2:Dad tips (by Keith Courtney)

Activities and resources I used to teach principles of godliness:

• I taught each boy about:

- prayer → why important to pray, how to pray, the importance of a balanced prayer (ACTS, for adoration/praise,

confession, thanksgiving, and supplication (for others and then for self))

- Bible study → reasons it is important, how to do it, etc.

- other key Christian disciplines

• Read Bible and prayed with each boy when they were younger, and reminded them to do so on their own when they got older

• Required that each boy continue to participate in church and youth group activities, including weekly youth Bible studies, annual mission trips, and youth camps) even as many of their friends started to fall away.

• Regardless of their ages, I would ask each boy what they learned in youth Sunday School class, midweek youth Bible Study, church, their personal Bible Study

• I trained each boy regarding Biblical worldview issues, including reading resources to and with them, and attending Biblical worldview conferences

For several years when the boys and I would eat breakfast around the table, I would discuss with them a characteristic that God desires that we exhibit. (I have been unable to locate the original source for the handout I used, so if you know the source please comment with it. I must have picked it up at a parenting seminar or conference and it has been a fabulous tool to further invest in the spiritual lives of our children and emphasize principles of godliness.)

31 Christian attributes to pray for your children:

1. Pray for a spirit of Humility.
“The willingness to submit” (James 4:10)

2. Pray for a spirit of Reverence.
“The fear of the Lord.” (Proverbs 9:10)

3. Pray for a spirit of Purity.
“A desire to be clean.” (Matthew 5:8)

4. Pray for a spirit of Purpose.
“A wisdom to set goals.” (Proverbs 4:25)

5. Pray for a spirit of Simplicity.
“A lifestyle uncluttered.” (Romans 12:8)

6. Pray for a spirit of Commitment.
“A dedication to the ‘cause’.” (Joshua 24:15)

7. Pray for a spirit of Diligence.
“A willingness to work hard.” (II Peter 1:5)

8. Pray for a spirit of Servanthood.
“The ministry of helps.” (Galatians 6:9,10)

9. Pray for a spirit of Consistency.
“The quality of faithfulness.” (James 1:8)

10. Pray for a spirit of Assurance.
“A depth of faith.” (Hebrews 10:22)

11. Pray for a spirit of Availability.
“A willingness to go.” (Isa. 6:8)

12. Pray for a spirit of Loyalty.
“A zeal for fidelity.” (Ruth 1:16)

13. Pray for a spirit of Sensitivity.
“Openness of heart.” Luke 10: 30-37)

14. Pray for a spirit of Compassion.
“Love in action.” (Mark 8:1,2)

15. Pray for a spirit of Tenderness.
“A willingness to weep.” (II Kings 22:19)

16. Pray for a spirit of Maturity.
“The capacity to grow.” (Hebrews 5: 12-14)

17. Pray for a spirit of Holiness.
“Christ-like behavior.” (I Peter 1:16)

18. Pray for a spirit of Reliability.
“A depth of dependability.” (I Corinthians 4:2)

19. Pray for a spirit of Revelation.
“Learning to listen.” (Ephesians 1:15,18)

20. Pray for a spirit of Denial.
“A sacrifice to surrender.” (Luke 9:23)

21. Pray for a spirit of Confidence.
“A baptism of boldness.” (Philipians 4:13)

22. Pray for a spirit of Integrity.
“The quality of truthfulness.” (Romans 12:17)

23. Pray for a spirit of Repentance.
“A willingness to change.” (Luke 3:8)

24. Pray for a spirit of Trust.
“A fearless reliance.” (Psalm 125:1)

25. Pray for a spirit of Submission.
“Choosing to yield.” (Ephesians 5:21)

26. Pray for a spirit of Teachability.
“A quality of meekness.” (Titus 3:2)

27. Pray for a spirit of Prayer.
“A longing to wait.” (Isa. 40:31)

28. Pray for a spirit of Unity.
“A respect for others.” (I Corinthians 1:10)

29. Pray for a spirit of Restoration.
“A ministry of healing.” (Isa. 61:1,2)

30. Pray for a spirit of Authority.
“A capacity to command.” (Matthew 16:19)

31. Pray for a spirit of Generosity.
“The desire to give.” (Matthew 10:8)

I hope you enjoy these additional tips on having Conversation #1 across the various age ranges. Remember that it is never too early to begin addressing issues related to the culture’s narrow definition of beauty. Even if your daughter is on the young end, it won’t be long before she is exposed to the message that she is measured by the sum of her parts. Our call is to help our daughters redefine beauty to match God’s perfect standard.

If your daughter is five and under:

One thing I love about this age range is that young children often see beauty in people according to God’s standard of beauty. We can learn so much from them! In other words, they don’t really know the rules of the game for what constitutes “beauty in the eyes of the world” and it’s absolutely refreshing. Do what you can in these years to set a foundation for beauty that matches God’s standard. Pay close attention to comments made in the hearing of your child that refer to people being “pretty” or that focus on a person’s external attributes. Rather, point out true beauty that you see in others. For example, if your daughter’s Sunday School teacher is someone who earns the title, you might say to your daughter, “Mrs. _____ is such a beautiful person because she loves Jesus and loves to teach children about Jesus.” The more we can use the word “beauty” and “beautiful” in the context that God intended, the more likely our children are to reject the culture’s definition in the years to come.

It is not unusual for girls in this age range to take notice of images of women (magazines, pictures, their own reflections) and begin to make comments. Mothers have emailed me about their daughters in this age range expressing that they want skinny legs like so-and-so or want to be “pretty” like the lady on the magazine cover. Take advantage of teachable moments like this to broach the topic of what beauty is in God’s eyes. Go over the verses discussed in this chapter and help them memorize them. Heaven knows they will need them in the years to come! When you and your daughter hear a message that contradicts God’s standard of beauty, take the opportunity to ask her, “What would God think about this?” Again, if she has tucked some of the verses regarding beauty away in her heart, help her apply the verse to the faulty message. The earlier we can train our daughters to do this, the better the chance they will be able to recognize the culture’s lies in the years to come. For example, if your daughter tells you, “Someone at pre-school said Emily was fat,” go beyond the standard, “Oh, that’s not nice” and say, “Uh-oh. Did you tell them that God thinks Emily is fearfully and wonderfully made?”

If your daughter is 6-11:

If your daughter is on the younger end of this age range, take a minute to read over the tips in the age category above as it talks about the importance of establishing a foundation for defining beauty according to God’s standards. Girls in the upper end of this age range are usually showing some signs of absorbing the culture’s narrow definition of beauty. Many of the tween girls (8-12) I have surveyed at events have expressed concerns over being “too fat” or “not pretty enough.” One ten year-old girl said she was worried her “boobs won’t be big enough.” Mercy. What in the world is a child like that being exposed to that she even has that on her radar?!! Which brings me to my point. Be very careful about what your daughter is exposed to through media. She can’t escape the message, but that doesn’t mean we throw all caution to the wind and allow her to tune into shows that are inappropriate for her age and engage in other media influences that are beyond her level of maturity.

Remember, at this age, it’s difficult for girls to break down the culture’s lies. They are literal, concrete thinkers, so the messages they are exposed to regarding beauty are absorbed as truth. That’s where we come in. We have to aid them in becoming “critical thinkers.” Help them question what they see and point out the fallacies (models who are air-brushed, too thin, etc…). Engage them in dialogue and set the foundation for interactive communication.

When it comes to issues pertaining to weight, focus on health and nutrition. Steer clear of magical numbers on a scale or an ideal clothing size. This can be especially tricky when our girls often assume that something is wrong if their clothing size exceeds their age. Seriously, who thought of setting it up like that? A man, I’m guessing! Remind your daughter that God makes people in all shapes and sizes and that in some parts of the world, it’s considered unhealthy or a bad thing to be thin. Again, focus on the lies that surround her about beauty and take advantage of teachable moments. Go over the verses related to beauty in this chapter and have her write them down in a journal or on notecards and commit them to memory. As I stated in the age category above, point out messages about beauty that contradict God’s standard and use the verses in scripture to refute the lies. Remember this is part of “breaking down strongholds and taking every thought captive.” (2 Cor. 10:4-5)

If your daughter is 12 or older:

Read the tips in the category above so you are aware of our mission as mothers to help our daughters recognize the culture’s lies and replace them with God’s truth. As stated above, go over the verses related to beauty and if possible, memorize them together. Everything covered in Conversation #1 is suitable to pass along to your daughter when she is in this age range. In fact, the sooner you begin teaching her these truths, the better. Consider setting up a time where the two of you meet on a regular basis to discuss what you are reading. If you are convicted that you have bought some of the lies regarding beauty, don’t be afraid to admit that to her. If you have said things to your daughter in the past that supports the culture’s narrow definition of beauty, humbly apologize to her and tell her that you too, are a work in progress. I have had to do this on many occasions with my own daughter.

Catch yourself when you are tempted to comment on someone who lines up with the culture’s definition of beauty and instead, try to cultivate the habit of noticing inner beauty qualities in others and commenting on those instead. Point out truly beautiful people to your daughter (a godly Grand-mother or mentor, Sunday School teacher, Missionary, etc…) Finally, model God’s standard of beauty to your daughter by claiming it for yourself. It doesn’t matter if you have some weight to lose or need to start exercising — take steps in that direction all the while, focusing your attention on beautifying the inner rooms of God’s temple (your heart!). Can you do that?

Enjoy these additional tips for having Conversation #2 across the age ranges. As stated before, please weigh in at the bottom of the post with your own wisdom and insight. It helps if you mention your daughter’s age in the comment!

If your daughter is 5 years or less:

Be careful to expose your daughter to age appropriate influences. There is no need to rush ahead and expose her to television shows and movies geared to older children. Girls this age need to be more involved in creative and outdoor play. As I reflect back on these years, I remember how slow the pace was whether it was a trip to the park or a castle we were building with blocks. Kids are not in a hurry naturally, and we would be wise to match their pace. This is the age where they require much of your focused time and it’s tempting to rely on the television and other media sources to entertain them. Try to limit their media exposure, especially if you can’t sit with them to watch the show or movie. When they get to the older end of this age range, it’s not uncommon to have a handful of tried and true DVD’s that you have previewed or a favorite show or cartoon. It’s exhausting to parent a child in this age range so we all need a break from time to time. again, the general rule is all things in moderation.

When it comes to friends, their primary peer group should be family members and close family friends. Talk of “best friends” and “boyfriends” can be confusing since girls this age don’t have the cognitive ability to process what it means. If your daughter shows a preference for certain friends, just leave it at that rather than confuse her by putting a label on the friend. Sometimes, I wonder if we don’t set our girls up by talking about “best friends” and “boyfriends.” Friendships take a backseat to family at this age, so refrain from over-emphasizing their friendships.

And while I doubt any mom reading this book would be guilty of this next one, I feel obligated to mention it all the same. Please, please dress your little girl like a little girl. As she out grows the toddler sizes and is promoted to the children’s department, she will be exposed to miniature versions of what can often be found in the junior’s department at many of the local department stores. The influence will especially strong if she has an older sister who is also being enticed by these same fashions.

If your daughter is 6-11 years:

I am thankful that the choices were limited when my children were in this age range.
I didn’t have to worry about my daughter begging me to watch Hannah Montana or High School Musical. There were few cable channels to choose from and children’s programming was still limited. Use your own discernment regarding the media you allow your child to be exposed to at this age range. If it’s a show on TV, sit down and watch with them to ensure it’s not one that is geared to teens or older children. Keep in mind that many of the shows airing on The Disney Channel, Nickelodeon, and other touted “family-friendly” channels are not acceptable for children in this age range.

When it comes to technology, use the formula I discussed in the chapter where you take more of a training wheels approach. If you don’t have the time to monitor the gadget or online privilege, don’t allow it until you do. Again, be cautious of purchasing expensive technology gadgets loaded with all sorts of bells and whistles. In addition to the common frustrations of children losing or damaging these items is also the concern that it exposed them to too much too soon. For example, many of the MP3 players hold hundreds if not thousands of songs. Do you have time to help them upload those songs and monitor the content? If you decide to allow a cell phone at this age range so your child is able to contact you, consider the basic package or a phone that is geared to young kids and only dials pre-programmed numbers.

When it comes to friends and peer groups, begin to pay attention to the types of friends your daughter attracts or pursues. Friendships escalate in importance at the upper end of this age range, so help point your daughter in the right direction. The decision to allow your daughter to spend the night at a friend’s house will be up to you, but many girls are not ready to be away at home at this age. My daughter gave it a couple of tries with a close friend and I found myself driving across town at midnight to pick her up. ☺

When it comes to boys, don’t make a huge deal out of it. Don’t encourage it, but also be careful not to overreact or blow it out of proportion if she says she likes a boy. Oftentimes, girls are only play-acting what has been modeled to them whether it’s a fairy tale romance or what they see at home. Remember, this is a confusing time where boys go from having cooties one day to making their hearts beat faster the next. As an added note of caution, given the fact that more and more children in this age range are being given access to technology such as cell phones, email, and IM, make sure your daughter is not communicating with the opposite sex outside your knowledge. All it takes is one girl at a sleepover who has a cell phone and a set of parents who are too busy to monitor her usage. Girls this age should not be texting, IMing, and talking to boys as it often exposes them to situations that are far beyond their realm of understanding and maturity.

If your daughter is 12 years or older:

Drop to your knees and pray! Okay, joking aside (sort of), get ready because this is the age range when you will be hit with wave after wave of challenges. Use discernment on when to allow technology influences and read my comments above (as well as in the chapter) about taking a training wheels approach. As for other issues regarding fashion, privileges such as shaving, getting a bra, etc…, make sure that your daughter is comfortable talking to you about her level of readiness. Remember that many of these issues are extremely stressful to our girls (as they were to us at the same age), so resist the urge to respond to their requests by being in auto-pilot mom-mode. Don’t leave them feeling that their requests are unreasonable or ridiculous or you will discourage them from coming to you in the future. And remember, it’s not unreasonable or ridiculous to them, especially when so many of their friends are moving forward.

If your daughter is on the shy and quiet side, sit her down and make sure she knows that you are there to help her along the way. In fact, it’s a good idea to do this regardless of her temperament. The best thing you can do in these years is to build a foundation of communication with your daughter. Expect that there will be issues to trouble-shoot along the way and don’t act surprised when they present themselves, even if it’s much earlier than you anticipated. Resist reacting to requests with shocked facial expressions or discounting their requests with statements like, “I’m not ready to talk about this yet. You’re too young for ________.” Again, they will make a mental note not to come to you next time.

Be very engaged in knowing who your daughter’s friends are during this year. Get to know her friends’ parents as well. Help her begin to distinguish between “weekday friends” and “weekend friends.” If you see warning signs that cause you to believe your daughter’s peer group is headed in the wrong direction, pay careful attention. Limit get-togethers to your home until you can get a better read of the situation. As I mentioned in this Conversation, sometimes it’s necessary to pull your daughter from a peer group or friend that is producing negative results. Expect that there will be resistance and do what you can to ease the pain. Help her connect (or reconnect) with girls you trust even if it means driving her across town to expose her to a more positive setting.

The decision regarding dating will by up to you, but as my dear author friend Jackie Kendall says, “the earlier you date, the earlier you mate!” There’s a lot of truth to that statement, so proceed with caution. Most of us are having our own flashbacks to the past and parenting our daughters in fear that they will succumb to the same temptations we did. They very well may. The key at this age is to remain engaged in what is going on. Draw reasonable boundaries and remind your daughter that your motive is to help her “protect her heart” not ruin her life. Most importantly, work hard to keep the lines of communication open. They are not normally sharing their lives openly and willingly with us at this stage in the game, but don’t let them push you out of their lives. They wouldn’t be willing to admit it, but they need you more than ever.

Some of you are here as a result of reading one of my books, 5 Conversations You Must Have With Your Daughter or 5 Conversations You Must Have With Your Son and others may be here as a result of going through a 5 Conversations Bible study in your church or a neighborhood small group. Regardless of how you got here, I’m honored you stopped by the 5 Conversations Blog! This blog is pretty easy to navigate. Depending on which book or study you are doing, click on either the “Moms of Daughters” or “Moms of Sons” image above to find the bonus material I mention in the books. And don’t be shy! I would love to hear your suggestions while you’re here, so feel free to comment on any of the “conversations” and share your wisdom.

When 5 Conversations You Must Have With Your Daughter released in early fall of 2008, I had just moved my only daughter off to college. Weird timing, huh? Especially given the fact that the tagline on the back cover of the book says: “From the cradle to college…Telling your daughter the truth about life before she believes the culture’s lies.” And as if the timing couldn’t get any more ironic, the release of 5 Conversations You Must Have With Your Son in summer of 2011, came within days of my oldest son’s wedding and my youngest son’s graduation from high school. Stop the clock! I know you hear it all the time, but time flies. Take it from a mom who has officially launched all three kids from the cradle … to college. A mom who sometimes wishes her house wasn’t quite so quiet and clean. So, bravo to you for making the most of the years while your little ones (and bigger ones!) are still in the nest. Your investment will not return void. Before you know it, you will be the one packing up the car to move your child into their dorm or sitting on a front pew, dabbing your eyes as they exchange their vows.

Well, enough about me and my kiddos — I would love to know a little bit about you and the son or daughter that inspired you to pick up the 5 Conversations book or study. Please comment below with your name and your sons’ or daughters’ first names, ages, and your home state and I would consider it a privilege to pray for you.

In the meantime, enjoy this video montage I recently put together as a gift to my now grown children. One of my greatest joys in life has been raising my three kids from the cradle … to college.

Blessings,

Vicki Courtney

Enjoy these additional tips on having this conversation across the age ranges. Please add any wisdom or insight you may have to offer by commenting below the post! Also, be sure to check out the post below this one which offers additional tips on age-appropriate conversations from The Mayo Clinic’s website.

Ages 5 and under:

As a general rule, most sex education in the early years (5 and under) will be a result of questions stemming from standard curiosity about anatomy and male/female differences. Be honest with your daughter and keep it brief. Make sure that you express the facts with confidence and commend her for her inquisitiveness.

Ages 6-11:

Once your daughter enters grammar school, it is possible that she will be exposed at some level to more sensitive topics related to sex. All it takes is just one student on the playground who has been exposed to information about sex that is inappropriate and voila, your child’s innocence can be robbed. Many children in this age range do not feel comfortable talking to their parents about what they may have heard, so it’s of critical importance to sit down with your daughter and have a general conversation with her for the purpose of encouraging open communication. For example, you might say, “Honey, sometimes there might be kids in your class or at school who say things that may confuse you. Remember, you can talk to me about anything at all, okay?”

My own daughter was ten years old and in the fifth grade when she asked where babies come from and said, “Tell me the truth.” So, I did. I kept it very simple and explained the basics of sex and God’s intent for sex to be between a husband and his wife. I also told her that sometimes people don’t follow God’s rules and she will probably hear about that in the years to come. I told her that we would talk more about body development later in the year and throughout her middle school years. (Note: If you daughter is an early bloomer, you will need to have this conversation earlier.)

Ages 12 and up:

By the time your daughter enters middle school, she should have the basics of body development down and even if she’s not developing at the rate of her peers, she should be aware of changes to come. During these years, it is of critical importance that you come up with a solid plan to educate her about sex and issues related to sex. Again, these will be ongoing conversations, so don’t bombard her with too much information, too soon. However, by the time she enters high school, you should have addressed all the benefits of waiting and the consequences that may occur from not waiting. My personal philosophy is that by middle school, all topics related to sex are fair game. Again, this doesn’t mean you dump all the information contained in this conversation on her in the 6th grade. Use discernment and spread out the facts over her middle school years, trying to touch on each one covered in Conversation #3.

The high school years should be the review years. You should have already built a foundation of facts in her middle school years and now is the time to step it up and remind her of those facts. Ages 15-17 are some of the most difficult years in a girl’s life and she will be bombarded with misinformation regarding sex. Don’t wait for your daughter to come to you in these years. Again, come up with a plan whether it’s an annual weekend get-away or a standing coffee date every 2-4 weeks. If you’re uncomfortable having conversations with her related to sex, be honest and tell her. Tell her that it’s difficult for you, but that your motive is to equip her with God’s standard for sex.

Take advantage of teachable moments that occur in everyday life where sex is not presented according to God’s standard (which, by the way, is the way it is presented by media the majority of the time). For example, if you read a news story related to STD’s and a possible link to infertility on down the road, take advantage and share it with your daughter. When I heard the above news, I told my daughter, “How sad is that that so many girls your age are listening to the culture and believing that sex is no big deal. Do you think they might think twice if they knew that their decision might leave them with an STD that goes undetected over the years and someday, leaves them unable to have children?” It seemed to help my daughter connect the dots between sex and the possible long-term consequences when I would paint a word picture for her and walk the scenario down it’s possible path.

You may have taken notice to the fact that the majority of the criticism related to abstinence only sex education programs is that they don’t offer students enough information. Of course, the critics are referring mainly to a lack of information over birth control options. There is some truth in the statement that students are not being given enough information, but I would argue that the information they are lacking are the facts I have summarized in Conversation #3. Rather than throw condoms and birth control pills at our children, why not give our daughters all the facts regarding sex so they can make fully-informed decisions? Of course, don’t wait on other sources to present the facts covered in Conversation #3 to your daughter. It’s up to you to take a proactive approach and adopt a new, upgraded sex talk—one you will have over and over again through the middle and high school years.

Your Past: How much should you share?

Most of us, truth be told, made plenty of mistakes along the way regarding sexual sin and wrestle with how much information, if any, we should share with our daughters. Here are some general rules when it comes to sharing:

• Never share details with your daughter related to the number of guys you may have slept with or what exactly you did in specific detail. Doing so does not serve a purpose and falls under the category of “TMI” (too much information). For example, I shared with my daughter, “I was not a virgin when I married and I regret my decision not to wait.” The focus should be the “regret” not the details.

• Never share information regarding your past with your daughter before she is ready. If she is somewhat sheltered and not even displaying an interest in boys, what is the purpose? We want to be preventive, yet at the same time be sensitive not to rob them of their innocence. Pray and ask God to nudge your heart when the time is right.

• Never share information with your daughter that you have yet to experience healing over. Our daughters are not equipped to help us process guilt and shame over our past actions. When we share, we must, ourselves, be walking in victory and at a place in our healing where our motive is to provide our daughters with an example of sincere regret. God has forgiven your sin “as far as the east is from the west.” If you have not embraced that truth, share your pain instead with a trusted Christian friend or counselor who can encourage you in the road to healing.

• Refrain from sharing information related to past sexual abuse with your children. Perhaps they may be ready in their adult years to hear such information, but seek counsel from a professional before you do so.

• Never, ever share information regarding someone else’s past in an effort to gain a teachable moment with your daughter unless you have her prior permission. “So-and-so at church had several abortions and shared in our small group Bible study.” To say it in such a way is gossip. “I have a dear friend…” would be a better approach. Again, never give names without prior consent.

Many of us are hesitant to some degree to share our own past regret because we fear that our daughters may walk away with the impression that if “Mom messed up, I can mess up, too.” I can’t guarantee you that they won’t. If your daughter is currently in a rebellious phase and looking for permission to misbehave, she may draw that conclusion. If you convey a heartfelt sense of regret mixed with a sincere intent to spare your own daughter from making the same mistakes, you can trust God to do His part and remind her of your caring concern as the need arises.

 

Below are some wonderful tips from the Mayo Clinic offered on their site. They break it down according to a more specific age and level of understanding. (2) Note that this information is a repeat of information given in the trade book, but was not included in the 5 Conversations Bible study workbook.

Age 18 months – 3 years:

Children begin to learn about their own bodies. Teach your child the proper names for sex organs. Otherwise, he or she might get the idea that something is wrong with these parts of the body.

Age 3-4 years:

Take advantage of everyday opportunities to discuss sex. If there’s a pregnancy in the family, for example, tell your children that babies grow in a special place inside the mother. If your children want more details on how the baby got there or how the baby will be born, offer them.Consider these examples:

• How do babies get inside a mommy’s tummy? You might say: “A mom and a dad make a baby by holding each other in a special way.”

• How are babies born? For some kids, it might be enough to say: “Doctors and nurses help babies who are ready to be born.”

• Where do babies come from? Try to give a simple and direct response, such as: “Babies grow in a special place inside the mother.” As your child matures, you can add more details.

Teach your child that the parts of the body covered by a bathing suit are private, and that no one should be allowed to touch them without permission.

Ages 5-7 years:

Questions about sex will become more complex, as your child tries to understand the connection between sexuality and making babies. He or she may turn to friends for some of these answers. Because children can pick up faulty information about sex and reproduction, it may be best to ask what your child knows about a particular topic before you start explaining it.

Ages 8-12 years:

Children between the ages of 8 and 12 worry a lot about whether they are “normal.” Children of the same age mature at wildly different rates. Reassure your child that he or she is well within the normal range of development.

Ages 13 years and older:

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that before they reach puberty, children should have a basic understanding of: (3)

• The names and functions of male and female sex organs

• What happens during puberty and what the physical changes of puberty mean —movement into young womanhood or young manhood

• The nature and purpose of the menstrual cycle

• What sexual intercourse is and how females become pregnant

• How to prevent pregnancy

• Same-sex relationships

• Masturbation

• Activities that spread sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), in particular AIDS

• Your expectations and values

Talking about sexual matters with your child can make you both feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. Let your child guide the talk with his or her questions. Don’t giggle or laugh, even if the question is cute. Try not to appear overly embarrassed or serious.If you have been open with your child’s questions since the beginning, it is more likely that your child will come to you with his or her questions in the future. The best place for your child to learn about relationships, love, commitment and respect is from you. (4)

As I mentioned it Conversation #4, it’s up to parents to change the attitudes about marriage and motherhood. Enjoy the additional tips below on how we can convey a positive view of marriage and motherhood to our daughters across the various age ranges. If your daughter’s biological father is not living in the home, be sure to check out the post below this one for some helpful tips on how to address the situation. Note: some tips may be contained in the book, but absent from the Bible study workbook.

If your daughter is 5 years or less:

Allow her to dream about marriage and motherhood and playact the part. I also used to tell my daughter while she was taking care of her dolls, “You are going to be the best mom someday!” Be careful about grumbling and complaining in her hearing when it comes to frustrations in marriage or parenting. Little ones are very perceptive and often assume they are to blame. Studies have even found that tiny infants are very tuned into their mother’s facial expressions and often respond to facial expressions that convey anger or sadness. 

If your child is affected by divorce either directly or by a close family member, consider talking to a counselor to find out how best to explain the transition. If you tell a child that the couple “doesn’t love each other anymore,” they may assume that it’s possible for you to stop loving them.

When you spend time with your child, remind them of what a blessing she is in your life. When my children were young, I used to tell them outright, “I love being a mommy and I’m so glad God picked me to be your mom!” For extra credit, sit down with her and flip through your wedding album. Tell her how you and her daddy met and how exciting it is to be married.

If your daughter is 6-11 years:

As I mentioned above, be very careful about the signals you are giving regarding frustrations you may encounter in marriage and motherhood. Children in this age range are concrete thinkers and often interpret statements literally. For example, when my daughter was 7 years old, I got a speeding ticket on the way to gymnastics class. When the officer asked for my license and returned to his squad car to write up the ticket, I said, “Uh oh–Daddy’s going to kill me.” My daughter instantly burst into tears and said, “Mommy, I don’t want daddy to kill you!” We laugh about the story now, but she sure wasn’t laughing then.

Be very careful about exposing your children to family members who live together and refuse to allow unmarried couples to sleep together under your roof. If your child becomes aware of a situation where family members are living together outside of marriage, explain that this is wrong in the eyes of God. Of course, caution them against saying anything to the family member in question! It is inevitable that a child in this age range will be exposed to some degree to divorce. Whether it’s a friend at school, a family member, a church member, or yourself, it’s better to discuss the matter rather than ignore it and allow them to draw conclusions on their own.

Express to your daughter the blessing of marriage. While you don’t want to go overboard and paint a fairy tale picture that unrealistically implies that a man will make her happy, you also don’t want to leave her with the impression that marriage is nothing more than a source of pain and frustration. If you and your husband have a disagreement in the sight or hearing of your daughter (it’s bound to happen), talk about it with her and address her fears. To this day, I can still remember being in this age range and hearing my parents (on rare occasions) raising their voices at one another in the next room while I was in bed. I recall one time when my mother actually left the house and drove away. I honestly wondered if she was ever coming back and decades later can recall the fear and sadness I felt at the time as a small child. Of course, she did return, but every time after that when they raised their voices, I feared she would leave again.

At the upper end of this age range, it would be appropriate to begin discussions about the difficulty of balancing a career, marriage, and motherhood. It’s a bit over her head to discuss the dangers of delayed marriage and the risk of infertility, but at the very least, respond on a basic level to media messages your daughter may be exposed to that imply that a woman can “have it all.” As I mentioned in the tips above, sit down with your daughter and flip through your wedding album together. Talk about how you and her dad met and what you were feeling on the big day. Weave into the conversation a reminder of God’s purpose for marriage. You might also set aside a time to go through her baby album and flash back on her birth. Again, weave into the conversation what a blessing it was to become a mother.

If your daughter is 12 years or older:

Everything discussed in Conversation 4 is fair game. Don’t dump all the facts on her at one time, but rather spread them over several conversations. She is at the age now where she is developing critical thinking skills and can evaluate the pros and cons of certain life choices with some assistance. Certainly, take advantage of breaking down media messages that speak of marriage or motherhood in a negative manner or imply that women “can have it all.” If she is in high school, consider setting aside some time each week to formally address the points discussed in Conversation #4. She should be well-versed in the facts discussed in this conversation by the time she leaves the nest. She is at the age where she will be exposed on some level to hooking up, living together, divorce, as well as various attitudes about marriage and motherhood. Help her process the messages along the way and most importantly, make sure she is aware of God’s purpose for marriage and motherhood.

Now, it’s your turn! What spoke to your heart in this conversation? Do you have some wisdom or insight to offer our readers? If so, please include your daughter’s age when you post your comment.